Book Review: Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix, PhD (Part 1)

I got this book from my sister, Marnie. She has had it for a few years in her collection, and she let me borrow it when I went to visit her in Texas. This book has several good ideas in it, so I hope to write a few entries.

One of the main ideas I caught on to is about communication between spouses. Even though I have no spouse, I think that the skills can produce good results with friends. Here are the basic ideas:

Communication often breaks down and leads to conflict between spouses. But with each time we communicate, there is the potential to produce positive results instead of conflict. We can feel very close to our spouse or close friend, and “commune” with them, as the author puts it.

He says that very few people actually listen to their spouse; instead, we are thinking of how we will respond to what the person is saying, or what we will say next that is entirely unrelated.

To have healthier communication, try following these three steps:

Mirroring – To mirror what someone is saying, you repeat it back to them in your own words. This ensures that you have understood what your partner is saying. Once you mirror your partner’s initial thought, you ask them to expand on what they initially stated, and then mirror that expansion back to them as well. Doing this will more often than not make both people feel that they are tracking together.

Validation – To validate what someone is saying, you basically say that you can follow his or her logic. It DOES NOT mean that you agree. But if you validate someone’s logic, based on his or her frame of reference, it tends to make the other person feel listened to, and understood.

Empathy – This last step is when you seek to express that you can sympathize with how the other person is feeling, based on his statements. Again, you are not agreeing with the other person.

When you engage in this kind of communication, Hendrix claims, you actually can distance yourself from your partner’s opinion, because you clearly see that you are following your partner’s line of thinking, not your own.

Once you follow this three-step process, you can express your feelings or thoughts about the other person’s original idea, and have them also follow the three-step process with your idea. Even if you end up disagreeing afterwards, both people will more likely feel closer because you have engaged in healthy communication, or communion, and have avoided conflict.